Phone Diaries 04/09/2014

It begins at 5am. I lay awake at the realisation of what the day is, and to therefore plan my off road path of running. The 4th of September, a usual day to most, the day being Thursday and just another Thursday to the many millions of unaffected people who have no significance to September the 4th. But what does it mean to me, and why am I awake when the sounds around me aren’t asking to see my eyes?
It’s the birthday of a recently passed man, who influenced this life for the greater, years before the innocence of my questions began to un-believe the common answers. It’s a day where although normal and the same- I am,
I am forced to remember the times of happiness and beautiful love I was blessed with like a soft touch, which creates a sadness that is able to hold on tightly like a chain around a battered wrist. As I lay awake in Santorini, Greece at 5 in the morning I have not a soul feeling sorry for me and no reason too, yet I am stained with the realisation that I cannot tell you two words about your day and yet still feel connected to you briefly, through the tellings of one of our last conversations. That conversation was me telling you that I would be in Santorini at one stage at 5 in the morning at which was at the time ‘in future‘ but now is upon me like the blankets on my chest. Once I finish said trip and return to the madness of reality and what it has in store for me, I have not a sip of connection to you anymore. And that is why reality seems far removed, as a connected reality to one person gone, a crucial person, means my new found ‘future’ is deeper than the ocean I lay next too, in thought and in physical, and appears to swallow away my connection and replace it on a shelf of memories that I own of you.

So what do you do at 5 in the morning in Santorini on the 4th of September? You should sleep. And sleeping is rest, and the rest is dreams. And although you miss and you forget, and the remembering hurts, and you can’t help but overcome your sadness in sunshine; enjoy the quiet. Happy Birthday Janós Bedi.