Disinte-great’

So I’m sure you’re like me- you’ve made some loose plans for things you’re going to do. Some are much more attainable (holiday vs. starting a business). Ideas maybe? Maybe it’s just comparing what you want, and by what age you want it. I’m 25 and I’m not where 21 year old me thought I would be by 25. But 21 year old me was only a kid. Evidence is in this very website. So how do you change that? I’ve read about the change in people, I’ve heard about gambling on themselves, and other ways to achieve satisfaction within thyself. The common denominator I found in their success- is struggle. Or hustle; I find that to be the better word. We all know the douchebag with ‘daddys money‘ who launches into ventures with no fear of failure, because their failure is still safe. Can you imagine having the safety net of fucking up- it’s like half assing’ an assignment but knowing you’ll pass anyway. Why try? They don’t succeed, think about it- you know someone, they do it because they can, not necessarily because they want to.

But what about the person risking everything to make it happen with no alternative? The artist selling work on the street. The local store owner offering amazing customer service everyday trying to build a loyal customer base with huge competition from chain franchises. It’s almost overplayed, but yet they still pop up. New places open. Look at all the boutique burger joints- studies say they are collectively damaging McDonalds on a global scale, McDonalds even changed their marketing to be more in line with smaller chains. Can you believe that? You never would’ve bought into that 5 years ago.

Sure, a lot of small businesses we saw years ago are still here- and a lot aren’t. So who’s hustling and who isn’t?

Fuelled by hunger- humiliation, pride, ego, power and doing anything you can to avoid feeling as low as you did when you ‘lost’ or realised that your life is sucking and you aren’t okay with doing it anymore – that’s the drive. It’s driving a starvation to empower others, a hunger to rid yourself of that low feeling. To succeed or win, even just so you earn some sort of self satisfaction through your struggle. It doesn’t have to be a million dollar salary- it just has to be rewarding to you and give you purpose- pride maybe. Happiness. Working on yourself is the best thing you don’t get paid for.

Even added bonuses of proving to some people who expect nothing of you; that you’re better than they think of you, but doing it because you want more for yourself. It’s just a perk when you piss other people off. Starvation is the secret ingredient that most people never feel- because they coast along with a consistent meal of accomplishment and complacency that never encourages them for change and risk. The successful recipe is rare, but it’s because something is genuinely broken within yourself that you can’t fucking deal with being mediocre or not fulfilling YOURSELF enough to potential with where you want to be. Maybe your job does it, or your parents, or your lover. Or seeing someone do well off an idea you’ve played with inside the safety of your imagination, and feeling like you should’ve acted on it – but you didn’t, and someone else did. You envision it and dream about your ideas but never ACT. It’s putting it off until next year. Or when the time is right. Or when you learn more. It’s finding a reason not to do it. You’re never going to be fully ready- learn from doing – start now. Sinatra said the best revenge was massive success. On the money Frankie.

But where does it begin? I hate this whole ‘participation’ awards nowadays. I grew up on winning and losing. It taught me how much losing sucks and how good winning felt. It created drive, to win. Why would you set the standard of participation on par with success? Fuck, I still have a mentality where I hate losing, because I consider myself a winner. I know it’s stupid, but I feel like I can beat anyone at anything. It’s a HUGE ego trip but it’s my nature, I don’t care who you are or what you do- I can beat you (it usually ends in savage defeat- but before it starts I feel like I have a chance). It’s drive. When I lose- I try to fix it. When I want to win, I figure out a plan, and execute to achieve that winning result, and when I REALLY want something, I figure it out- by any means possible. I don’t have the starvation yet but until you launch into a risk- especially when there is so much on the line, you’ll work harder. Nobody likes losing money, or pride, or anything really. So like the rat finds the cheese in the maze, you find ways to make it work by going about it differently. What didn’t work is scrapped and try another route.

But what do people do when they don’t care about the result at all? NOTHING. They participate in life and then die. They loved, they got married, bought a house, worked a job they didn’t enjoy or challenge them and then they died. Happiness lived after 5pm or on weekends. But what about their ideas? They died too. Nobody knew about them. Can you imagine the amount of brilliant people who never acted on ideas; who left notebooks full of thoughts to be eventually thrown away after they died? Dark- I know, but those words were written because someone didn’t want to forget them; and guess what? We forgot. You don’t have a wikipedia page or your quotes online. They’ll be at the dump because they were always plans- not action. The irony being if I don’t ever do anything with my own life- these words are wasted too. Added motivation.

It’s been a strange few weeks for me, I find myself turning less and less to my usual support systems; because I’m starting to feel not so close to them anymore. I don’t feel their drive, or their need for me, it’s rattling. How can you awaken them? You can’t. I wish everyone understood you need to be selfish when you plan YOUR life, because at the end of the day, whoever lives trying to make someone else’s happiness above theirs will never feel satisfied for themselves. I actually did that for a while too. Sure love and affection is huge- I’m very warm to people I care for- but I never actually DID anything. There actually is a world where both exist together, because the warmth you receive from someone else will motivate your ideas and plans- it’s support. They want it for you, just like you for them. 50-50. Until then- eat your safe world without risks and tell me how bland it tastes. Don’t try anything new. Don’t grow. Stay put.

I know I’m definitely a hypocrite- but I’m honest about it too. If I want something I’ll at least try- most of the time. Even if people tell me not too- I’ll probably try harder. Sometimes I feel like succumbing into a screaming match because I am powerless as the only person to blame is myself- and it would be so much easier to pin it on someone else. No, you fool, it’s you– be selfish, if you don’t- nobody else will do it for you. Yes I’m absolutely in a stage of madness, but you can’t fault the honesty. I’ve been on both sides, the hurt and the hurter, the winner and the loser, the lover and the fighter. But ask me which one I would pick in all 3 cases? Ain’t hard, and for the record I’m a lover’.

I felt my security and routine start to break, my frustration everyday grows and it’s because I’m doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results- Einsteins theory for insanity. I can feel the change, the way I looked at myself changed; I saw it in my eyes. Wake up, man, fuck- what have you accomplished that you WANTED to do? You’re 25. Society doesn’t dictate when I should and shouldn’t be married/have children/have my dream job or be at a certain point in my life- I do. I felt behind my eyes disintegrate like a shattered china plate; but into a million pieces of hunger. I realised my wasted days and moments and loathed them. I realised every fucking second I stared at a screen and didn’t move, entertained by someone else’s ideas. It made me feel disgusted. Every inspiration I have is because whoever did it- acted.

We cannot see the wind in an empty street. Plant trees.

C.f