I’m Listening

Jack Kerouac used to write his novels under the influence of alcohol; it was just his way. Before I even knew who he was I was doing the same thing, just online and not on scrolls of paper. It’s funny how it all coincides with creative freedom and the idea of releasing the thoughts that dominate your thinking when under the influence. It’s exposing vulnerability, when you’re the most vulnerable.

So where do I start? It’s strange, I’ve never been one to shine a light on others’ insecurity. I don’t like the taste it leaves in my mouth, because even though I’m competitive, I’ve never felt the need to belittle others for self gain. I’ve actually been told my best and worst quality was being ‘too nice‘.

But!

Sometimes you need to expose your dark side and attack those who consistently attack you, even if indirectly, even if through running into a field of flowers they never knew existed, ripping every single stem out of the ground and roaring into the destruction of beauty you’ve dismantled with your own anger and doubt.

The outlet of writing is strong, and it’s always been why I share- it’s a weapon of relief. It’s like talking to my future self; floating a bottle in the ocean of change- hoping it will drift into your channel when you feel like getting back in the boat. Not out of weakness- but out of experiences. It’s how I’ve reflected with knowledge. I learn from mistakes, like basic training.

So where am I? I sometimes reflect with a smile when I see photos and stories, even with a smirk. Other times I grimace with disdain, and sometimes I even show teeth with pride, which could be misconstrued for anger. I dislike myself and how I react- how good it feels. How petty it can be to even discuss certain topics with others. How power feels, I can truly be ruthless when I eliminate feelings.

I’ve always hated losing; it’s how I’m built, I can’t stand it- I know it can be a ‘fault’. I’ve heard I’m too nice, or I’m too susceptible to receive kindness unfiltered from others, because I feel guilty receiving it. I was raised by strong people and felt like the notion of building others up around you was greater than hearing how good you ‘were’ or ‘could be’. It was easier to show it than explain ‘what could be’. It never bothered me- some people obviously aren’t used to being treated with warmth, and so they fight it in their own vulnerabilities. Good riddance- maaaan that took a long ass time to realise.

I’ve said many times as I reflect into my sanctuary of ‘flowers‘ and ‘freedom‘ on here, that I don’t do this for anyone else but myself, and for someone to relate too, even if for a single sentence. It’s an interesting concept, to compare situations, because sometimes other people lose for you, as if knowing you’re in a position of self doubt and removing it by acting in a certain way- even if not physically, but through mental strength. It’s not all the time, but usually self victories you attain from stockpiling small victories over and over and over. Sometimes others are unaware you even feel victory – which is normal too.

So as I write these words, ignoring those closest around me- who try their hardest to help (those I love the most). I look back, and grimace with my teeth showing. The jaw clenches with cringeworthy dialect as I reflect on moments of complete vulnerability. Sometimes it even confronts you when you realise the words you once spoke, came out of your own mouth, and were stirred by impulses you once thought. YOU actually believed those things when you spoke them, as if like a criminal, as one point you thought they were acceptable to spill into a public street. Like robbing a bank when you were poor, or stealing bread –  you thought at the time they were acceptable based on your situation.

When you’re rich and feel the same way- that’s the difference. Like you can invest into an opinion or venture and have confidence you won’t lose your money; or self worth. It’s a sudden change you feel when you hear news that makes you realise time stands still for nobody, and sentiments you chose to be sentimental, aren’t as big a deal as you once thought. It’s healthy man; fuck- you don’t have to be so fucking strong all the time.

They’re lessons you will then test on others- like dipping a toe in the pool before jumping in. You get so occupied with moments that when it passes, sometimes you’re over prepared for the results- it shocks you. How can you be OVER prepared for things, yet still taken aback when they give you results you expect? We all hope the picture is painted the way we hope, but when we expect the brush to dabble in a different paint, we’re unready for change. We all hoped our painting would be red, but nobody saw the Pollock splashes of black all over it. Uncertainty is life. It’s love. It’s fucking power. Fall in love with uncertainty and you know you’re in love. Get it? But don’t ever get used to routines that harm you. EVER. It will break you and eat at every fibre of strength you have until your love loses.

So as the gold teeth are bared; and I start to bite and rip off every little ounce of flesh that gets close to my weaknesses – I want you to know. I’ve always hated losing, but my god, how sweet it is to win, over, and over again against somebody who you’ve given keys to drive your car home. The crash means you survived and you got out, and got another way home, and made it. Even if via the hospital.

Feel invincible.

So for you, who reads this and doesn’t EXACTLY know what I’m saying- take this instead. You have an image in your head of what you search for, someone who fits in various situations you hypothetically put them in. The closest person to that image will always change it, and soon you’ll only see them as the star- where you compare everyone else. It’s only a draft- which can always change. When you imagine everything with a face, which becomes bigger than an idea of what you hope will fall into your life- you’ll chase it accordingly. Until then, you won’t care enough to start filming.

If someone comes in with a brush and paints your ceiling with your ideal colours- keep them around. We really only have 3 variables. 1) Attraction, 2) Chemistry and 3) Timing. If you get all 3- don’t fuck it up, the universe has opened up to you and given you a gift.  Nobody starts fights they think they’re going to lose- only fools do. But when you look in the mirror, attack the weaknesses they reveal. Destroy them yourself, and you’ll destroy the weaknesses others can expose of you- which will benefit anyone around you that may start painting. That reflection is the only person worth fighting for; because if they win- so does everyone else.

C.f