Spitting on Flowers

Through the last 5 years I’ve learnt certain things about myself and how people interact with me, pending my appearance, age, and attitude. Through a corporate world, I never felt respected completely by a lot of people, mostly other males. Maybe it’s the baby face, or the young haircut? Who knows, it didn’t bother me, I had enough insight into most companies that I couldn’t care about their pointless careers of power, even after I felt there disrespect. Maybe it was what I did for a living, or what I was wearing. Now with girls? Geez, you could scrutinise anything. What I said, who I hangout with, what I do, if I was a DJ? – you get it. Most of the time, we do that to ourselves. We’ve all re-read a text message and thought about how lame we are when you don’t get an immediate response. That’s kind of it. I’m all about deleting that – and I have.

This year was a change for me. When you learn certain things, you can either adapt and use them to your advantage, OR carry on avoiding what works and what doesn’t, trying to do your own thing. Surely you can do both? Yes, like the little girl who is a hero for offering both soft and hard tacos, YOU CAN DO BOTH.

 Learn and adapt, and work it into your life with your own style.

I had many restless nights this year, due to various things, and sometimes I write things in my phone – most of it is madness.

“It’s not until you get your leg cut off that you realised you wanted to be a runner (metaphor).” 2:14am 12/01/2015

“Each person must accomplish one great thing, and if they don’t, they are forgotten.” 4:11am 03/05/2015

“Getting so comfortable with something in your hands that eventually you can’t feel it anymore.” 5:32am 19/05/2015

“I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like roaring into my pillow, allowing myself to break and blow-up in a release of all caged ideas, lack of accomplishment and burn for more of everything. – I want everything.” 3:21am 11/06/2015

One from a few years ago was this idea of ‘Spitting on Flowers‘. I wanted to prove that in-context, it could be a good thing, because initially it sounds like a bad thing. This is the beauty of an oxymoron. My mind paints the image of a perfect rose, and this disgusting demeaning act of spitting on it, using a universally disrespectful act on something so fleetingly beautiful, and trying to take away from the window of beauty it offers the world; a tragic ending to a short lived romance because flowers don’t last very long. But what do flowers do with moisture/water? Absorb it, and fucking grow. Use it to disappear into the ground and then explode with growth into a more beautiful shoot than there was before. It drinks in all of it. Maybe it retains beauty longer because of it. Same goes with crying on flowers. Or pissing on flowers. You understand, that trying to destroy the outside beauty of a vulnerable flower can be done so easily, and then you walk away, knowing you demeaned something so raw and momentarily perfect, because you could. Little did you know, you just helped it, you bad fool. Stop spitting.

So with slicked hair, a tailored suit and eye contact, I chose my way to form a first impression in a different field. One that had alluded me previously. I look into your eye, shake your hand, and I look serious. My words and ideas now had a face, and because of that – an audience. It’s learning. I’ve had bad feedback about the changes (spits), but I absorbed it and made it my own, because I felt like for right now – this is what I want. It will help me in this avenue, and therefore help me in others, and I still get to be me. I’m not piercing my nose to seem indie to fit in at the gigs. I like this, and it will help. I wanted to run before my leg was cut off, it was just I realised it before and started running when I had a chance. I didn’t wait until I couldn’t.

I didn’t have any trouble in any other fields either, because it’s like a snowball- back yourself. I’ve actually been extremely lucky to have some incredible souls wander in, especially after tightening my inner circle. I was confident and you felt it. It’s always been there, you just chose to see me differently because of my appearance, or youth, or kind side, and I let that get to me. But now as I sternly look you in the eye and tell you what I want, you will listen.

Where did this come from? I’ve had moments of powerlessness that fuelled it- sure. I hate it if I’m being honest. All my friends know how proud I am. I get so aggressive when I feel someone is disrespecting me for no good reason. Sometimes when I think about things, I don’t even realise that I’m clenching my jaw. Some peoples names actually make me angry, but I refuse to let them alter me, I’d rather attack through my own ideas. There are ways to learn and adapt from these feelings, and there are ways to take steps back. Pick one, because doing nothing is actually choosing the latter. What can you do that is still true to you, that can help you move forward? You have to play on somebody else’s home-court. So don’t draw up the defense, get into a position to try and score. And score. Accomplishments will come in time if you chase them. Don’t play defense protecting yourself to stay even all the time, make a move, go for the win. Killers mentality, you gotta want to win, not draw- in everything.

So what’s the point of all of this? If there are people in your life who are influencing you for their own personal preference of ‘you’, or you are doing things to seem like somebody you are not – it will catchup with you. You won’t really do anything you want because you’ll drown in the sea of fabrication for others or to seem what appeals to others, an empty facade. Your mum used to decide your outfits, would you still let her? I’m not really down with Quicksilver anymore so I will dress myself. Move the keys around in your hand, feel them again, and get into the drivers seat. There is a way to get where you want to be, in your own way, and once you find it you’ll feel energised with confidence, that you’ll absorb all the spit into strengthening your objectives. Fuel. It doesn’t have to feel bad and make you feel lower than before. Don’t be the same as every other facade boasting about there success and #goals they want, or $$ they were given, flaunting on social media. It can be done by yourself, as yourself, regardless of who’s watering or spitting on you. Don’t change you – adapt to better paths that weren’t working previously.

Anyways, that’s a rant. I’ve been lucky so far this year, and I know it. I’ve eradicated a lot of what doesn’t help me grow, which is hard, and some isn’t by choice. But to stay with my flower metaphor, I’m looking for bees instead of caterpillars. Sure, caterpillars turn into butterflies – but they’ll eat your leaves and you won’t grow. Plus butterflies don’t really do much. Bees take your nectar and turn it into honey. You both benefit. I’ve been lucky. I still feel like roaring into the pillow, because I really haven’t done anything, but opportunities will come. I still want everything. The fact that I feel sure of something is a good sign.

“Absurdity is what I like most in life, and there’s humor in struggling in ignorance. If you saw a man repeatedly running into a wall until he was a bloody pulp, after a while it would make you laugh because it becomes absurd.” – David Lynch

C.f