Through the wall

I could feel her looking at me, as I looked up at the ceiling. We were laying in bed and I felt dry.

“I lost you last night.” she said.

I had soaked in alcohol, and nothing else. The morning was dry. I had felt worse before, dozens of times, the shadow of shame looms close – but I hated hearing that. I wondered how much control I had relinquished? I read somewhere that our bodies are surrounded by atoms, and it protects the strange things outside from getting in. Drugs and alcohol put holes in that layer.

I don’t do party drugs, I don’t like them, and I don’t like them for anyone, too many people get fucked up by it. I feel like I can make drugs myself, just like Dali used to say “I don’t do drugs, I am drugs”. Talking to strangers and by immersing into a night or day, or any creative venture, or great sex. But how many times have I become a shell? Lights on, nobody home?

Sometimes have got me in trouble, mainly as I’ve gotten older. It hasn’t lately, my subconscious is happy and the zombie state I enter represents that. But still, the issue of control.

I had a nightmare the night after my last post, and it was very surreal, I’ve not had many dreams like this before. Creatures in a human world-yet I was the only human. A room full of non human things that existed around me. I was in a hotel  lobby with black and white marble check floor, big windows looking out to the surrounding forest. I remember being so tight, as if on the edge that any moment, one of these things around me could turn and attack me. I was psyching myself up. I felt vulnerable, but I reassured myself. I made my eyes large, I clenched my fists and I tried to blend in, I even yelled as loud as I could and beat against my chest. I built myself up to become one of them. To hide; I changed into them, to walk amongst them. I went to the desk, I had to get a room, and felt myself transform as to not seem vulnerable.

It rattled me for weeks, so much so that I didn’t share what I originally wrote about the whole thing, because I had no control of the environment I was in. So one is a nightmare, and the other is self inflicted? Both no control. Stay with me.

Last week, I was in a club I have been to many times. There was a person there who had previously made me have major control issues. Made me feel powerless, they had previously given me zero respect. As I sat back and watched all the perfect, pretty young people having fun, I felt like I had outgrown this way of fun. I don’t think I could do what they’re doing anymore. Amongst the flashing lights, my expressions flashed a face of a person who didn’t want to be there. My instinct was to leave. I walked down the stairs with a friend who wanted a drink, and this young girl walking up in the opposite direction grabbed me on the waist. I kept walking down without flinching, I have steak at home, but I could hear them giggling and trying to call. As I returned upstairs, I saw who the girl was with. It was so gratifying, that I was in a position to return the favour if I wanted to. I saw her glances. But what did I do? I didn’t care – so nothing, and it really wasn’t even something that crossed my mind when I was actually there. All the visions in my imagination after were motivated to piss off that one person. Stoop. But I don’t feel like I’m losing any battles anymore, so it was odd. My ego has prevailed over me in the past 10 months – something I was aware of and let happen. I didn’t have one for a while, so I needed to flex it. I wanted to go home long before I eventually did. So where does this all link up?

I figured out the parallels between my functioning. I found out where I felt able to be vulnerable, and where I didn’t. When I’m around the people I love, I feel safe, I dip into that pool of alcohol and disappear into a deep and happy person, with no fear that whatever I am will be a monster to anyone. I blend in to those around me and trust them entirely. I’m very lucky to be surrounded by some beautiful minds that feed my soul.

When I’m dreaming, I have no control over what my lucid thoughts create. I build myself up pending the environment so that I become a monster on the outside, but inside I’m completely aware of the vulnerability. When I’m in control to wreak havoc on someone else? I keep the monster inside who paints theoreticals that satisfy my ego, but never touch reality. My lucid thoughts feel like bad 80’s movies, and I enjoy watching them play out, but truthfully my reality keeps me awake, stimulating so much that I’m alive late into the night lying on the same bed. I control me, and I try to control my weaknesses and bring attention to my strengths to cover the rest. I used to dream things would happen, and hoped that one day I would in-fact act out the events, as if to go for a power grab- to feel control over something that alluded me and fix everything. It was how I kept myself from actually doing it, just to think that if I wanted too, I could make it happen. Turns out, that only works when the result doesn’t bother you. If you care for the result, it means you desire it. It’s like telling me not to go into a room. I’ll probably run through the wall. You give it power to overcome your thoughts and eventually you look for ways to get it in reality. I don’t have many negative ones anymore. The line between imagination and reality has become clear. I retain a composed creature on the outer (most of the time).

Control the controllable. I control being a good person, and I control who and what I surround myself with. This isn’t social media where I want to show off famous friends, or support the newest trends like a sheep. It’s just being fine when the lights are on and nobodies home. Because that guy used to ‘have a rain cloud over his head’. A dark person as soon as the lights were out, so much so that I avoided it. Now when the cameras roll, and the cameras are off me – I’m the same. When I’m in these situations, the corners of my mind think about the next beer. A joke. Or how much I enjoy dancing to a good song. Who knows, as I’ve gotten older I don’t remember those thoughts very much, I lose details. But I wake up without fear that the first images that pop into my head are dark.

Someone must be home; the lights are on.

C.f