The Care Factor
Funny isn’t it, how life works in channels of ‘thought process at current second + action + environment = substantial moments which change the trajectory of where you’re headed’. So much is caused by who you interact with, and their own set of variables which interact with yours. It’s the eyes, with a warm flirt and body language, vs tone, aggression and influence. It causes us to smile when we hear a song, or to hurt uncontrollably at loss when we touch a piece of jewellery.
The natural filter of right place, right time/ wrong place, wrong time, and what it means to you at that exact moment. What’s possibly the most convincing is the late night thoughts which enter your mind after dealing with one of such situations, or thinking back, as you lay peacefully silent whilst your mind screams at you it’s verdict, do-over or burdens.
How lucky I was, or how unlucky? Maybe it’s a blessing, or maybe it’s a burden. It’s scary the lack of control that can wash over almost any moment, almost instantly, changing the direction of everything in the vicinity.
The crossroads of what mindset you have and how you choose to react, or who you interact with.
I was feeling low last Monday, and as I washed my hands in the basin of my office, I looked up and saw my moustache which I’m currently growing to raise money for men’s health. On the way home I went to the supermarket, and I greeted the service assistant with a warm smile. She quickly shuddered a cold glance, she was a obviously having a bad day. I was polite and said please & thank you. She gave me a look at the end of our interaction which was rude, cold and intended to state her disdain for her moment.
I felt drained just from her presence, and as I walked away I was convinced how much dislike I now had for that person, given my intentions of pure warmth. Would I take it back though? How was I to know she would be so cold? “I wouldn’t of changed my intent” is what I decided on. I’ve said it a million times – kindness is the strongest and I am no different to anyone.
It made me reflect, maybe that’s part of this whole issue I’m trying to raise money for? Even in my dark days of anger, disdain and low tolerance, I can cope with people like that. But what about others who couldn’t? People can be solemly swallowed into pits of darkness that seem so deep, that nothing can pull them out. What would a meaningless encounter do to someone who already felt low? Why would anyone honestly inflict such an attitude based on their own moods, to someone else? It’s part of the fucking problem, where these selfish individuals create an environment that whoever enters is impacted, and based on their current headspace- it can actually cause a ripple effect. What if it happens twice on the same day? Bad days hold weight. They can feel like stones being place on heavy shoulders. Our culture preaches awareness, education and acceptance. But how can we save someone who is caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, in an already wrong headspace? It’s a doomed battle. You simply can’t control people who selfishly place their own space onto others.
Some people I’m in close vicinity to frequently, drain me, to the extent I vow to protect others from them. They have the ability of complete social ignorance, to the simplest, easiest pain-relief type lifestyles for everyone around them. We are only as good as how we treat others, even on our dark days. What we’re willing to do to brighten someones day. And what we’re willing to do, to attack someone else’s. Even if it’s actually harder to do the latter.
I grew up watching a protector impose his will on any darkness. I think the truly dark people have the ability to cope with it, as it’s something that is used creatively, or constructively, or simply controlled. I have a dark side, which I tether through in moments of complete isolation. People who can embrace the darkness appreciate the light, and in doing so protect others who simply are more vulnerable, or can’t take it on a certain day, or need constant reassurance through sickness, war, violence, bullies – you name it.
It’s quite a job, but it doesn’t ultimately feel like a burden, you just kind’ve need to do it. It might even be selfish, as walking away from someone in pain would damage you so, that you are acting to clear your own conscience. You can take on the pain of others and it won’t distinctively drag you down. Protection at all cost$.
I grew up in a few different places, and so I was constantly being thrown into new environments. As children we find safety nets in familiarity, like our Mum or Dad, family, or simply people we trust, which is easy in innocence. Mine was my Mum when I started school, as I was in Sydney and she was always the loudest and most protective. It was always interesting to see other kids try and get to me, through that channel. Maybe when they saw my warm embrace to her after school, they saw a target.
Instinct mixed with innocence, that to truly hurt someone you need to hurt who they love. My overweight mother was a target, all through school years. I grew up dealing with petty kids who would look for weakness in channels I was sensitive about, although I never let them be publicly known. During high school, I came home one day, and by chance checked the answering machine, as it flashed with 2 messages. Some 15 year olds from a former school, who were former friends, called my house to berate my mum, trying to attack. It infuriated me. I deleted it all and she never knew. I witnessed someone I know drive onto my front lawn in the wet cold, and rip up my front lawn. I saw all their faces in the car, and their laugh. I felt so powerless against a group of bullies, doing things for kicks to hurt someone who truly hadn’t wronged them at all. I have rage to this day from those people. Had it been today it would’ve turned out differently, but I was not yet large enough to defend myself properly. It’s also worth noting that this behaviour vanished upon my eventual growth spurt. Regardless, It’s always been the biggest chink in my armour – you can get to me through the ones I care for the most, but it’s the only topic that truly engages my fury.
I was punched in the face in year 1. An older kid pushed in-front of me in the handball line and I stood up for myself, making sure he couldn’t set a precedent. He punched me in the damn face. Mum came and collected a 6 year old with a black eye, who didn’t regret a damn thing. There’s the ultimate pride in sticking up to someone, knowing that in doing so you’re going to receive immense pain. I haven’t changed. I had my cheekbone fractured defending comments against my family, by a bully much bigger than me. I still have the scar, which wrinkles when I smile.
I can’t really tolerate weakness, more specifically if it comes from laziness. Some people don’t act because the mere act of trying isn’t appealing or worth it. It’s easier for someone else to do it- or maybe it’s not worth the possible disagreement with a stubborn person who speaks louder than the rest. People can be so intimidated by volume, but I see it as vulnerability. The louder someone needs to talk, the less their words have to really say.
Many people look for fights, and use volume and their own ‘thought process at current second’ to pick one, regardless of who it’s against. It’s a shame really, because life won’t be remembered through these moments. They’ll be the ones you choose to avoid discussing further, and possibly ruin perfectly fine friendships. Don’t shoot the only person to reach out and try to help you, because they’re the only one willing to engage with you when you’re angry. If moments like that mean so much to any individual, than I simply have no time for them, and will protect those ones I love from doing the same.
So where is my perspective? Why am I so righteous to write about these things? I’m not, not at all, I’m only human. But perspective is a beautiful thing. It can come in such perfect times, or when we choose to look at them in a certain way. Maybe it’s more like ‘thought process at current second + action + environment = perspective.’ Maybe Perspective is where substantial change alters the trajectory of where you’re headed. Investing time in the things you want to do, with who, and as quickly as possible. To protect yourself and others from the everyday dross of negative moments from selfish people. Or maybe it’s simply infatuation with the potential of good things that weigh more.
Of all months to draw my perspective on importance and the small actions that add up to weigh lots, who would’ve thought it would’ve come from a moustache. Education and awareness is beautiful, but to fully understand how to make a change in these issues, we need to stop creating meaningless negativity out of our own selfishness.
C.f
River Phoenix by Michael Tighe
RunIntoFlowers.co 
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