Lucid Screams

When did you stop believing the world was ours? When did you grow up & stop believing?

“Growing up” didn’t mean this.

At least what it turned out to be.

You’ll lose friends.

I wouldn’t of believed you, merely years ago. I would’ve called you a fucking liar –

“that’s my brother“.

me, 5 years ago.

Forgive the confusion, I haven’t been here before (without the company). They left, physically after the mental. My right hand, is my own. Looking around brings the isolation to louder terrain. Isolation is always louder when you overthink, huh?

What part of the imagination has broken? What changed? Unfortunately, the people who wore weight in reality- they left. Lucid; they felt real. Who would’ve thought.

Watch what people say, not what they do – I hate how accurate that is. Don’t be fooled by delusion, OR what you wish to be true. The photos & moments last, but the sentiment is glitter. It hangs around, just not substantial – more annoying.

I never wanted to be here alone, but here I am.

I’ve long deleted many posts on this site, as I grieved for a long time & spoke to third parties that asked me to accept the independence. The advice is always to ‘grieve’ or confront. Bullshit – shit made it worse. I didn’t want to accept ditching the plan we always believed, because I still believed it. I allowed the excuses to creep – I made excuses for them too. Convincing myself – I was the bearer of bad news & the messenger. Once a witness, now a listener.

They don’t tell you, that you’re just lying to your younger self.

I’m not getting any younger, & It’s been a hard two years, but:

It’s going well when we aren’t competing with things we never saw coming.

To my younger self: Hang in, I promise we’re getting there.

You’re growing.

C.f