Chasing My Tale.

I’ve written this many times & delayed ever completing it – to void succumbing to spite. I’ve had a tough year in some ways, & it’s cathartic to write. It’s just been hard to start talking about my first ‘big idea’ in past tense.

We so often reflect with rose coloured glasses, romanticising things to appear different than it actually was. We mask the feelings by doing so, reducing the weight of those reoccurring burdens, the questions we ask ourselves when we’re low.

I remind myself always, that value is value, regardless of price. Vincent Van Gogh said “If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. For wheat is wheat, even if people think it is a grass in the beginning”.

It’s easy in memory. There is no heartbreak without loyalty first.

The acceptance of the past washes the face like warm water. It’s easy to digest. It’s not easy to forgive, but accepting is peaceful. It’s quieter – which is isolating. I’ve been isolated for awhile. I feel like the sum of my parts is lost – as if holding more weight outside of myself. There are parts of me that exist, which took more than I am capable of alone.

I really grieved the end of my company, like a death. Losing the version of myself that was attached to it by default. The outlet for my ideas. The conversation starter. The proof to the outside world that I’m ‘enough‘. My entry ticket to the arts community. My ticket to more. It was hope.

I’ve seemingly trapped myself in a room with my younger self. He hates me, just as I hate others for not trying. I owe him more than what I have to show & even though I loathe the idea of giving up – I just can’t continue the way it is. It’s not serving me anymore & I’ve become more bitter than the beer.

I don’t blame him for his anger – because it’s hard to explain to youth how things change without living it first. Those same people in your favourite photos don’t hang on the wall anymore. You never see failing & when you do it’s never pretty. The beauty in struggle becomes the obituary photo. You never see past the passion. That behind it all, you can lose things you love; & maybe even parts of yourself. How it hurts to be a part of something losing. It’s hard to separate from the ideas you could only see going one way.

This isn’t a pity party. I’ll make more money. I’ll have more ideas. It’s a lesson from my time, energy & ideas that came to life. The truth without romance. The dominating part of my life for 6 years.

This has been a loss – both financially & personally. Firstly, of my first big idea that came to life. I’ve left this party with my tale between my legs. Searching for new people, or company in old friends. There just simply are more cynics than dreamers & I’ve found company in both. It’s easier to find a conversation with negativity.

When it’s over, there are signs. Ideas begin having no weight beyond seconds & minutes. Or they weigh months & years – an overwhelming task that seems exhausting to get off the ground, especially to someone in debt & with more mileage. I wanted the hard task, I chose it, but I wanted company in the journey – because when you’re by yourself, you lose the value. You even become self destructive in search of it.

I felt so worthless in this pursuit, because there was no validation along the journey. You never arrive. You become a burden to yourself, & then you become accustomed to it. Then you get desperate – which is vulnerable dialled up high. It allows you to become taken advantage of, where you become accustomed to low standards by others. I allowed others to disrespect me – or I was desperate for help & settled for what I could get. Pennies on the dollar. I don’t think I realised it even happening until it broke a barrier & I saw it appear in ways that made me question love & loyalty. It made me very self destructive, as I didn’t have anyone else to blame & the anger went inside. It even at one point became dangerous. I’ll never be in that headspace again, & the irrational version of myself will be contained. A rational headspace cannot be attained by an irrational person. There are many versions of death we don’t talk about openly- but one is of your younger self.

Disposition is important, how we see the world & not how things may be. We can choose to see the best, or the worst, or even the middle. I keep telling myself- choose your words, choose your timing, choose your battles & most importantly choose kindness. You don’t know what others are going through. The problem is, I stopped listening when the advice came to how I spoke to myself. The world sees me a certain way, & I it. I just couldn’t figure it out- in a way that worked.

I’ve tied so much of myself- at least what I like – my position in this world, my disposition, my dreams – into a vessel that didn’t get the opportunity it so clearly desired. I’m cautious to use the word ‘deserved’- because I don’t think it was. I think we are a sum of all parts- & I think it worked the way it was supposed to- even if I hate it. Why? Because it didn’t win & maybe winning wasn’t it’s purpose. It needed a village & it only got some. We can only see that in hindsight, a reflection that gets delayed by time. Feeling stuck in this position, does nothing to the impatient voice inside that criticises non-action. Non-action by a default, is an action- so the disdain begins from alternate possibilities that could’ve been, whilst standing idle. The wise man reflects to the naive version of himself, powerless to save him. The past has all the answers, the present has the problems. The future?

The reward is now in breaking free, with my tale between my legs & an ego-less approach to the world.

It has taken months to destroy all of the collateral in my house. The slowest of deaths. In December of last year I moved the entirety of the business into my home. Every fortnight of recycle bins, filled instantly, every avenue to dispose of a dream. I’ve kept so many keepsakes & put them in a box. Out of sight, out of mind. You’re impatient to get going, & even more so to remove it once you make the decision. It’s been a long funeral.

I’ve worn so many faces during this journey. Naive, confident, hopeless & hopeful. Walking this path, my ideas culminated under one. Just because I want the best for people I love, I assumed they did too. I think that’s my best quality – that I want others to succeed. But when your main company is yourself I lost that. Why? I hated myself, because I hated everyone else. I hurt thinking of those days & how hopeless they felt. I would be kinder to him now. I needed to toughen up, & not let the anger drive. One might call it, a spiritual crisis.

(I watched this movie after some hard days & it felt like he was talking to me here. I had my head on the pillow & will never forget that feeling).

Once you stop trusting yourself, you stop dreaming new ideas. They get shot down from within. Age has a funny way of winning when it comes to open mindedness. The older we get- the less we ideate, or maybe the room to ideate is smaller. But that can happen from circumstance also. It always comes from within. The inner circle, the inner monologue, the insecurities. It ultimately comes back home. Who you choose, what & why – that’s you. Who you surround yourself with. It makes the lessons more painful. But it’s a lesson we all must learn when creating. Not everyone believes, nor respects your ideas. I hope someone you love believes in you, supports you & if they don’t, it’s okay to do it without them.

“You sensed that you should be following a different path, a more ambitious one, you felt you were destined for other things but you had no idea how to achieve them and in your misery you began to hate everything around you”. – Fyodor Dostoevsky

Some look for roads to follow them & others venture off where the flowers grow. If you’re looking to grow, follow the flowers. 

As someone who ties their value to the wins, this has been incredibly difficult. So I’ll keep it as short as I can, for time doesn’t favour the sorry- & misery loves ‘company’. I just wish it wasn’t mine. 

The person I was & the person I am lives in the same body. That includes my younger self. He’s around. Your ideas are chosen by who’s the strongest ‘you’ at the time. YOUNGBLOOD was chosen by the younger naive version of me, & unfortunately it didn’t work. The older, wiser version knows this. They don’t have to agree. I remind myself, most ideas die. Those that live, even for a moment, are special. Some actually come to life. I’ve held those in my hands. I’ve consumed them as much as they’ve consumed me. I’ve felt their weight & they’ve supported mine.

Off the path, into the field.

What’s next?

I’ll continue to burn the leftovers of YOUNGBLOOD into the ground, & use its warmth to survive the upcoming winter. The barren, cold, powerless months of climbing out of this hole. During these months I’ll remind myself why the fire is warmest close to the flame. Crystal Ale was my Icarus.

I said my ego was destroyed a long time ago, but the truth is, it wasn’t completely. I know that now. My ego lived within the purpose of having something I was proud of next to my name. It wasn’t in my job, or my degree, or any other accolade. It was in telling company, about my company. That I was a man of action, one who would chase his dreams. Losing this has been the hardest pain I’ve dealt with, because every part of my soul doesn’t want to let it go. My brain refuses to let that position open up, & I’m trying to fill a void with no vacancy. It has a massive part of my heart inside – & it’s why my heart is broken, because the youthful dreams, present purpose & possibilities will sink with the body as it gets lowered into the past. The weight became too heavy & I need to get stronger, or better help. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out, I really did try.

I’ve enjoyed bringing YOUNGBLOOD to life & sharing it with others the most. I’ll forever be grateful for the lessons & when I have kids, I’ll tell them my story of starting a beer company. There are no excuses to not trying, because I’ve seen what trying can do. The potential & lessons will come back around. I really did love you & will miss you dearly. I never took it for granted. Thank you for the lessons, in business, dreams & finding out who’s on my side.

I’ll really miss having you around, but mostly I’ll miss how you let me think about the world.

YOUNGBLOOD BEER. 2018-2024.