It seems the last few weeks have been very similar, with the exception of a wedding and the weather slowly warming. I often see some of my friends (especially some of the older ones) who work all week and then their weekends are spent inside, resting before they go back to work. It’s also very similar with couples, as they tend to hibernate and stay away from doing things that one might not enjoy. I’m doing pretty much the complete opposite of this, and I still feel like I’m in a very repetitive routine of sorts. I need new faces, places and a little change to get out of this mindset. I guess some people just like the feeling of knowing when they need to do things. I do not, and need to change a few things to make sure this ‘rut’ ends.

“Habit is necessary; it is the habit of having habits, of turning a trail into a rut, that must be incessantly fought against if one is to remain alive.”
– Edith Warton

C.f

Mirror mirror, on the wall,

Can you tell me who this man is?

It’s like the brush and the paint

is without the blank canvas,

It seems kind of pointless,

to create this fake identity,

as everything he does,

isn’t the same as me?

But he does this because,

it protects the real man,

as he isn’t as strong,

and yet to understand,

Which is okay in 2011,

because the art isn’t finished,

so it’s time to start painting,

and creating this image

It’s not fair to complain,

or better to change,

the man in the mirror

is just a little strange

And in time he’ll learn

to hide the fake man,

because by then the real one,

will be the only one he can.

C.f 

1997-2011. The last animal link to my childhood passed away today, age 14. I’m struggling to think of a household where he’s not around, and right now I don’t want to. It’s crazy how big an impact pets can become in your life, as the mutual love for each other grows every year like an unbreakable bond. I knew it was coming for a while, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I can only cherish the memories, and thank him for being there, everyday, for the last 14 years, especially the last 3 months where he was more than the best company on my lonely days. Today hurts, farewell old friend.

 14th of September, 2011
C.f 

So tonight at dinner with the family, we were talking to the owner of this Italian restaurant when a man, maybe in his late 20’s came over and said “Hello” and asked if it was anyones birthday, probably due to the laughter and commotion. My dad answered him with a “No?” and he simply said “Oh okay, enjoy your dinner, I’ll let you get back to it” with a big smile on his face as he walked back to his table. I watched him whilst the rest moved on to a different topic of conversation, stunned by his actions, whilst he sat there eating a bowl of soup by himself at a small table. If someone as nice as him was eating alone, it felt like it wasn’t fair. He came over to wish someone a happy birthday, for no reason, and it was obvious he just wanted some company or simply a conversation to brighten someones day. I asked if I could offer him to join us to the rest of the table, but the consensus from everyone was no. Anyways a few jokes were made and it was all light hearted about this man’s actions as the evening progressed, and I was fixated. He eventually left, saying goodbye to us and the people sitting on the table next to ours, and walked out the door. It was clear he was ‘simpler’ than others in more ways than one, but if everyone was as genuine and nice as he was we’d be living in a much nicer world. I can’t help but always think about these people, and what they do with themselves throughout the days. My mum always tells me that I “can’t save the world“, but in this situation no worlds needed to be saved, it was just someone looking to…talk to someone else? I’m probably reading much to far into this, but it’s what I do constantly, and these things stick with me for days and even months. Anyway, next time I’ll just sit with him, because nobody should be eating by themselves in a crowded room. The little things can go a long way, so don’t be afraid to just talk, or even listen to someone else. You should never hesitate to brighten someones day.

Unknown Photographer.

C.f 

That’s all it takes for everything to change in the most positive or negative ways. Theres plenty of things that can change, a kiss, a glance, one more drink or even the simplest thing like a butterfly flapping it’s wings (the butterfly effect). The 9th of June did such for me, my heart plummeted, my ears listened and my eyes witnessed vulnerability. It’s fairly true that little things can change so much, and we sometimes don’t even realise the control we actually own. If you ever think “If I’d just done this” or “This could’ve happened”, it just shows how much of things is left up to chance. See I don’t know how I feel, I like to have control but I enjoy not knowing what’s next in some sort of surprise feeling. All in all we just all need to take a step back, a deep breath, and enjoy certain moments in the fullest of happiness, because in reality everything takes just mere seconds to change.

I also find the photo below to be very powerful. Vincent Schiavelli was so talented even though he didn’t have the textbook ticket and looks to the fame he deserved. 1948 -2005.

Isn’t it funny how many people seek the public affection of others, with simple things like Facebook check ins to hospitals or a status update about being lonely? In my crazy social networking injury-phase it’s made me realise the trends more obviously and reconsider where I dose my sympathy to others. I guess it’s just hard to give sympathy to people who don’t ask for it  even if deep down they’re hurting more than you know. I like to think I can tell the difference but sometimes judgement is clouded by things, like the people who want the attention and make you second guess others. As I’ve said before everyone has problems and the way you deal with them show who you are in the rawest element of your being, and how tough your character is. It’s just simple. When you’re hurting your goal shouldn’t be to get sympathy and empathy from others, it should be the strength to prevail and overcome these obstacles and come out stronger than before you entered these dark times. I guess growing up around people in pain has made me cynical, but it’s just what I think. The burden should never be shared amongst others, unless you need the help which is more a sign of strength than weakness. it’s just a shame that most people who seek sympathy do it for the wrong reasons, and detract your thoughts from the people who really need it. Take a moment to realise how your words and actions effect others, because sometimes jokes and simple things can effect others more than you’ll ever know.

Can’t we all just get along? No, but you can try, or you can think first at the very least.

Sometimes you just have to seek the smiles in the darkness.

“There’s so much pain.”

Sometimes it just takes a little longer to find the positives in things you didn’t see before.

C.f

How you choose to look at things about yourself defines the extent of character you own. You can look at things in the most simple way, and always be content with things and forget the things that didn’t go your way. Or you can challenge yourself to think in different ways so that you can expose what you’re truly all about. If I was to ask myself a question, it would be something that would expose me for what I truly am, and force me to confront my own faults. Nothing lacklustre. Something that would make me think for more than 5 seconds. “Who do you want to be?” or “What are you insecure about?”. Labelling things in simple terms just dilutes what you’re capable of thinking, and preventing yourself from being vulnerable, even if it’s just for a second.

I always see people and assume there’s someone out there that truly loves them, I mean they’re not my piece of cake or there not what would suit me, but it is true, besides the odd exception of people being alone there entire life. Most people have someone that’s happy to see them when they walk through the door. I like to think that most people would have someone like that, even if it’s a crazy cat lady with a dozen cats, being needed and loved is more than satisfying for your average person. Sometimes it doesn’t last, but even if it’s only for awhile, it makes me feel a little better that most people would experience the feeling. We all just chase feelings, and pursue the people that make us have good ones, no matter what it may be. Everything else is a perk.

It’s crazy going from being so busy to having almost nothing to do, and by that of a doctors order, so I’ve had more than enough moments to ponder and reflect on things. It went from consistently drinking and nightlife to a much quieter scene, nights in with friends and looking at things a whole lot differently. Who knows, maybe I needed to readjust things. Either way I’ve noted a few things I’ve bin pondering upon..

 1) People keep themselves busy to push away and hide things from themselves, either through excuses or just avoiding it, even simple things that can make you actually happy. 

2) When you’re forced to be alone with your thoughts, the same people cross your mind over and over again, and everything reminds you of them. If someone hurt you, you can’t get over them until you like someone else, it sucks, but it’s simple.  

3) Being missed makes you feel good, and appreciated.

4) Start doing the things you want to do, everything else isn’t important. 

5) “It’s a troublesome world.
All the people who’re in it
are troubled with troubles
almost every minute.
You ought to be thankful,
a whole heaping lot,
for the places and people
you’re lucky you’re not.”
– Dr Seuss.

Everybody out there has problems. 

'C.f of Darkness'

C.f